Ok, the Stanley Cup finals kick off in a few hours so it’s time I stop sulking and update the League. Many of you have been clamoring for a Round II roundup (and Round III…). My apologies for the delay. Something about watching Nick tear through the field as though he’s deconstructing a suit (shreds) sucked the enthusiasm out of my playoff experience.
But like all great competitors, I will pull myself up by my boot straps, put my head down, and give the people what they want – more jokes about Moo.
First some house keeping:
- The winner is crowned by total points acquired throughout the playoffs via games won or overtime losses.
- The team that win’s the cup is awarded an additional 8 points (equal to one additional round of playoffs)
- Yes, I just made up the points system, but our League follows the principles of, “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” (the show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter)
Before you start to clamor (Nick), keep in mind that even if Tampa sweeps Dallas and Dad earns 16 additional points, Nick will still win by 18 points…
So, why then did I make up the rule if it has no impact?
Simple, I can’t miss an opportunity to assert my dominance – especially when a power void has been created by Moo’s colossal collapse. (It will also provide a solution if this situation occurs next year).
That said, let’s recap Round II (the last round anyone cared because we all had horses in the race).
Despite advancing only one team out of the first round, JC must have felt great about his chances. His Av’s had rolled through Phoenix like the Badger on a steam roller. And yet, Josh will spend Round III watching from the sidelines, as Dallas ignited like the Apollo 11 space craft (Houston is close enough for this metaphor). Meanwhile, the Av’s looked more like the Hindenburg with their starting goaltender and #1 defenseman suffering series ending injuries. If only they’d had Coach Cox’s off-season mobility training to prepare them for these hits.
Closing: Josh – Good effort as a first time manager. As league commissioner, I hope you found this added to your playoff experience, and appreciate that I didn’t make you share a team with General Tajon. Better luck next year. Thanks for playing.
The Bear Cave 32
The fear invoking rumblings that came from the bear cave in Round I were replaced by the sound of zzz’s (the hibernation of the Bruin’s) in Round II. Between the B’s aging group and starting goalie, Tukka Rask, picking up ball and going home, they stood little chance against this dynamic Lightning squad. On a positive note, those kids in Vancouver found a way to turn a 3-1 deficit into a game seven showdown. Pooh’s zoom call pep-talk with goaltender Thatcher Demko inspired an incredible performance in games 5 and 6 – stopping 90 of 91 shots. But, as many expected Vegas’s depth and firepower could only be slowed down for so long.
Closing: Pooh, your 32 points as a rookie are a Pellow League best. That’s partially due to our lack of expansion since 2003 – the year Moo joined at age 6 (well before her killer instinct and love of daggers blossomed). Great effort – I think your best seasons are still ahead of you. Or, as I like to say in Spanish, “I THINK YOUR BEST SEASONS ARE STILL AHEAD OF YOU!” [HAND MOVEMENTS]
Bob the Builder – Can he fix it?! 20
No he can’t… That’s what I get for believing in Philly. I haven’t been this disappointed with Philly since they removed the Rocky statue from the public library. Although, shame on me for having faith in a city who’d put a brass statue of a fictional boxer on the steps of a memorial building. To Philly’s credit, they managed to push to game seven. But once the game began, they were no where to be found, losing 0-4.
Closing: Much like Philly, I folded up like a tent this year. I know many of you look to me as the pinnacle of consistent excellence, but I assure you I will bounce back in 2021 (mostly because I’ll have the #1 or #2 pick 🙂
Jim the GM 33
Although a statistical impossibility to win the League, GM Jim is the only contender left who can put a lid on Pickle’s perfect season. Jon Cooper and the tax-free Lightning look unbeatable. With all my teams playing golf, I’m pulling for the Rangers Southern Affiliate to bring the cup back to Florida (COVID be damned!).
Closing: Dad, I’m impressed by your full immersion into the sunshine state. I think a Lightning victory parade presents a great opportunity for you and Nick to canvas for Biden on the fully open beaches. Go Bolts!
El Tajon (The Badger) 21
Let this be a lesson to you young managers out there, hubris is rarely rewarded. Following the draft, insiders speculated that Moo was applying a “Money-Ball” approach to seek value. Others felt she let the success go to her head. But ultimately, when the games began for Round II even Canuck’s goaltender, Demko, who was cool as ice between the pipes, could not protect Moo on her victory-lap-flight towards the sun.
Closing: Dear Icarus, we appreciate you graciously stepping aside (shooting yourself in the foot) to allow a new champion to be crowned. In 2021 please don’t feel the need to self sabotage in an effort to keep things competitive. As Nick is proving, lady luck does a fine job of leveling the playing field.
Soured It for Everyone (Pickle Pun) 67
Pickle, I’m sure you appreciate this spectacular display of the law of averages in effect. I want to congratulate you on your early victory. When it rains it pours.
Closing: I hope you internalize the lessons learned here and incorporate them into your study for the Bar – i.e. that guessing, rather than over analyzing can yield spectacular results. *…If you’re willing to fail 2/3 of the time (maybe more – this is a small sample size. Please consult Pooh on structuring a RCT to further test this assumption that I made while typing this).
That’s all for this year. Looking forward to next season (starting in 2 weeks).